i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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