i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
