Just cropdusted the office
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
