ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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