I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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