I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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