that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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