The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
