my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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