Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
