Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
