I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
