Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
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MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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