You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
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I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
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i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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