the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
