Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
