Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
