Moan for me like Helen Keller
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
