Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
