cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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