I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
