tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
