I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
