Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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