Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
