i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
