Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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