Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
