if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
