I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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