Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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