I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
