Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
