He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
