we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
