Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
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I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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