i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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