Already got asked if we're dating
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Thank you for not boning my boss.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
