that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
