so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I want to be your penis for a week.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
