Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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