i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
