Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
