"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
