sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
