i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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