Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
