I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
