If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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