You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
