When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
