Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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