All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
