It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
