half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
worst night to have a conscience
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
