Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
