Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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