The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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