Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
